Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Today I Feel Like a Woman
I woke up this morning with a strange feeling overtaking my senses. What the hell is going on, I wondered aloud. What is this incredible urge I have to put on makeup and wear a dress to work today. How did I come by these strong feelings for female empathy, a rising urge deep inside to vote for Hillary Clinton because she is a woman, just as I feel today? Why do I feel a really strong sensual desire for Gainesville City Commissioner Jack Donovan? Why do I feel like a sister, a sister's sister, to Gainesville City Mayor Pegeen Hanrahan? There can only be one reason.
Today I feel like a woman.
Today I am free to feel like a woman. Today the Gainesville City Commission has granted me equal protection under the law to feel and behave exactly like a woman. Today the Gainesville City Commission has granted me the freedom to walk into the ladies bathroom and do my business there, as any other woman does, because today I FEEL like a woman! What a grand relief! What a huge, heavy burden off my shoulders!
Thank you so much, Gainesville City Commission.
I understand that this is such a major problem for so, so many people that it commanded the attention of our local leaders to set things right. It's about time that cross dressers can truly experience the pleasures of the opposite sex without being the opposite sex exactly. But cross dressing is not even a requirement of the ordinance. You can simply FEEL that you are a member of the opposite sex. That's all it takes. That's all liberals really believe is necessary to identify with the opposite sex. Perhaps you'll FEEL differently tomorrow but that's another day.
This is the liberal bastion of Gainesville, in the heart of North Central Florida where the University of Florida resides. This is the blue dot amongst the sea of red on election maps. This is the city where gender identity is not predicated on your physical makeup but solely on your emotional state of mind. Feelings. How do YOU feel today.
Get in touch with your feminine side and experience the interiors of Gainesville's finest women's rooms. Take the tour and check out the offerings on the other side of the rest room walls. If anybody tries to stop you from entering a women's room, do not fear. The law is on your side. Just tell them you FEEL like a woman. They can't stop you. It's your right.
BUT, you had better to make sure that the women's room you are trying to enter is not in City Hall or one of the other City Agencies. Because this wonderful, groundbreaking law protecting gender identity feelings DO NOT apply to the city's own facilities. That's right, it's another case of nanny-state government telling you to do as we say, not as we do. The local politicians have learned well from the federal politicians. Pass any obtuse, insane law you want, but exempt yourselves. After all, the elite of the city should not have to be bothered with the same rules as the great unwashed. Trust us, we know what is best for you.
So, today I FEEL like a woman. It's just a shame that I work in a building exempted from this law. I have always yearned to see the inside of the women's room. I guess maybe I will have to go visit a local eatery and see how my new feelings are received there.
I was born with male body parts but, dammit, I FEEL like a woman.