Monday, July 11, 2005
Growing Older and Wiser
July 10th was my birthday. I turned 54. It is hard for me to believe that I have been on this earth for 54 years! Sometimes it seems like only yesterday that I was tearfully heading off to my first day of school. Other times it seems like 100 years ago since I moved to central Florida.
There are days when I feel like I'm 25 again and other days I wonder if I can even get out of bed and face the world one more time. It's odd. Time is relative, of course. All things are. Time is tricky. It heals all wounds and it causes anticipation. It plays tricks on the mind and never seems to go along as you would like. Work takes too long, play is too short.
Mark Twain once said something like, when I was 18 I couldn't believe how stupid my father was but by the time I turned 21, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned. Time makes us older and it should make us wiser. Of course, it will only make us wiser if we heed life's lessons. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is one definition of insanity. Time makes us adjust.
When I was a young boy growing up in the coal mining region of southern Ilinois, I would wonder at the year 2000. I would be 49 that year and it seemed like a millenium away. At this point, the year 2000 almost seems like a millenium away. Time acts that way. It stretches itself and seemingly lasts forever yet at the same time it can fly by in an instant.
They say when you are close to death, say in a car accident or something, that all major events in your life pass by your mind's eye. A kind of quick review, if you please. That can be a mind-opening experience. I have never had a near-death experience in which I remember seeing my life flash before me so I cannot testify to this effect. It sounds logical, however.
I do try to burn certain events into my memory intentionally. Some things are worth remembering in detail. Every memory becomes faded over time and each time we think a certain memory in the present, we actually tarnish the memory with other knowledge that we currently have. The memory is rewritten with current knowledge attached to it. This makes our memories cloudy and hard to remember what was real and what we added to the memory later on simply by thinking about it. So simply remembering something can make the memory less accessible and less real. Eventually the memory may no longer even seem real to you.
When I was a drinking man, I would sometimes suffer blackouts. These are not good things but I had many of them during my alcoholic career. I did many things that were very funny during these blackouts. I know because the people I was with on many occasions would tell me about them and we all would laugh. On occasions like these, I can't say what I actually did or didn't do. I had to take other people's word for it. Mostly it sounds like me, though. I was a very happy drunk.
But I don't miss the feeling of drunkeness at all anymore. I did a lifetime of drinking in 20 years and it was more than enough to last me. I like to think I became wiser as I became older. I like to think that but I didn't get there on my own. It took a stern boss practicing tough love to get me to change my ways and quit drinking before it killed me. Literally. I can't thank Jack Crosetti enough for what he gave back to me, my life.
But I know now that I am who I am. Today I am not the same person as I was yesterday. Not a whole lot different but different just the same. Growing older and wiser is a constant, gradual change. Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to take one day at a time. That is more than just a mantra. It is a way of life. While I was kicking the alcohol habit, it was often one minute at a time. Changing behavior is not an easy thing. Especially when the love for the old behavior is still strong.
So my birthday this year was no big deal. It was a rainy, hurricane-passing, nasty kind of a day outside. No chance to play any golf which is really my only passion these days. It was what I would term as just another day. I have pretty much felt this way about my birthday since I turned 30. That birthday was my last traumatic one. 30 hit me hard and I started improving my life because of it. That year I started running distance races and eventually finished the 1982 Honolulu Marathon in about 3 hours and 40 minutes. I did that because I wanted to, because I could.
I didn't quit drinking then, however. I didn't consider that a bad habit at the time. In fact, running actually increased my desire for beer. It's amazing how much beer is consumed at a road race event in Hawaii! I ran to get healthy and then drank to stay in touch. Another shitty day in paradise.
Anyway, I have come a long way in my life. I suppose I am over the hump and on my downhill slide to the end days. I hope those days will be long and time will be on my side. I have many more places I want to see before I leave this earth, like 3 more states and 16 more baseball stadiums. Many more things I want to experience and lots more laughing I want to do before I am, myself, just a memory.
It happens to us all. No one can escape death. I don't want to. I do, however, want to postpone it as long as possible. At least as long as I have my reasoning ability. If my mind starts to go, I would rather just cash in my chips and quit the game. The rules keep changing and sooner or later I won't want to learn the new rules anymore.
I like growing older and wiser. If I begin to grow older and dumber, then you can shoot me.
OH
There are days when I feel like I'm 25 again and other days I wonder if I can even get out of bed and face the world one more time. It's odd. Time is relative, of course. All things are. Time is tricky. It heals all wounds and it causes anticipation. It plays tricks on the mind and never seems to go along as you would like. Work takes too long, play is too short.
Mark Twain once said something like, when I was 18 I couldn't believe how stupid my father was but by the time I turned 21, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned. Time makes us older and it should make us wiser. Of course, it will only make us wiser if we heed life's lessons. Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is one definition of insanity. Time makes us adjust.
When I was a young boy growing up in the coal mining region of southern Ilinois, I would wonder at the year 2000. I would be 49 that year and it seemed like a millenium away. At this point, the year 2000 almost seems like a millenium away. Time acts that way. It stretches itself and seemingly lasts forever yet at the same time it can fly by in an instant.
They say when you are close to death, say in a car accident or something, that all major events in your life pass by your mind's eye. A kind of quick review, if you please. That can be a mind-opening experience. I have never had a near-death experience in which I remember seeing my life flash before me so I cannot testify to this effect. It sounds logical, however.
I do try to burn certain events into my memory intentionally. Some things are worth remembering in detail. Every memory becomes faded over time and each time we think a certain memory in the present, we actually tarnish the memory with other knowledge that we currently have. The memory is rewritten with current knowledge attached to it. This makes our memories cloudy and hard to remember what was real and what we added to the memory later on simply by thinking about it. So simply remembering something can make the memory less accessible and less real. Eventually the memory may no longer even seem real to you.
When I was a drinking man, I would sometimes suffer blackouts. These are not good things but I had many of them during my alcoholic career. I did many things that were very funny during these blackouts. I know because the people I was with on many occasions would tell me about them and we all would laugh. On occasions like these, I can't say what I actually did or didn't do. I had to take other people's word for it. Mostly it sounds like me, though. I was a very happy drunk.
But I don't miss the feeling of drunkeness at all anymore. I did a lifetime of drinking in 20 years and it was more than enough to last me. I like to think I became wiser as I became older. I like to think that but I didn't get there on my own. It took a stern boss practicing tough love to get me to change my ways and quit drinking before it killed me. Literally. I can't thank Jack Crosetti enough for what he gave back to me, my life.
But I know now that I am who I am. Today I am not the same person as I was yesterday. Not a whole lot different but different just the same. Growing older and wiser is a constant, gradual change. Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to take one day at a time. That is more than just a mantra. It is a way of life. While I was kicking the alcohol habit, it was often one minute at a time. Changing behavior is not an easy thing. Especially when the love for the old behavior is still strong.
So my birthday this year was no big deal. It was a rainy, hurricane-passing, nasty kind of a day outside. No chance to play any golf which is really my only passion these days. It was what I would term as just another day. I have pretty much felt this way about my birthday since I turned 30. That birthday was my last traumatic one. 30 hit me hard and I started improving my life because of it. That year I started running distance races and eventually finished the 1982 Honolulu Marathon in about 3 hours and 40 minutes. I did that because I wanted to, because I could.
I didn't quit drinking then, however. I didn't consider that a bad habit at the time. In fact, running actually increased my desire for beer. It's amazing how much beer is consumed at a road race event in Hawaii! I ran to get healthy and then drank to stay in touch. Another shitty day in paradise.
Anyway, I have come a long way in my life. I suppose I am over the hump and on my downhill slide to the end days. I hope those days will be long and time will be on my side. I have many more places I want to see before I leave this earth, like 3 more states and 16 more baseball stadiums. Many more things I want to experience and lots more laughing I want to do before I am, myself, just a memory.
It happens to us all. No one can escape death. I don't want to. I do, however, want to postpone it as long as possible. At least as long as I have my reasoning ability. If my mind starts to go, I would rather just cash in my chips and quit the game. The rules keep changing and sooner or later I won't want to learn the new rules anymore.
I like growing older and wiser. If I begin to grow older and dumber, then you can shoot me.
OH
# posted by OH @ 7:25 AM 
